The Fried Turkey Page Sequel - Thanksgiving 1999

I have been stunned this year by the overwhelming positive feedback about our "Fried Turkey Home Page" (PETA was the only exception).  Never wanting to disappoint our devoted readership, I have come out of retirement to answer some of the frequently asked questions readers have posed.  Of course, I can't help but also provide some additional acorns of wisdom that have dropped from my tree of knowledge since that distant November of 1996.  Finally, no one should attempt turkey-frying without a thorough understanding of Fried Turkey Karma - a topic I learned of far too late.  In all its glory, this page is copyright 1999 Michael R. Markham.

The overwhelming response this year caught me off guard.  So, please be patient.  I will post more gory turkey frying pictures 1996 - 1999 in the next few days.  More groovy content coming soon.  If you missed the original Fried Turkey Page, be sure to give it a look.  For now, enjoy the little tidbits we've prepared . . .

Frequently Asked Questions

Q:  Have you fried another Turkey after the momentous 1996 event?

A:  Most certainly we have.  In fact, we fried turkeys for the December 1996 office party, Thanksgiving 1997, and Thanksgiving 1998.  Everywhere we fry one, people are always impressed, and scared.

Q:  Have there been any serious injuries?

A:  None requiring hospitalization.

Q:  Have any of your fried turkey escapades ever resulted in property damage?

A:   On the advice of my attorney, Dr. David Lubin, I cannot confirm or deny that statement.

Q: What are your plans for Thanksgiving 1999?  Will you fry a bigger turkey?  At a higher altitude?

A:  I am deeply sorry to report that we will not be frying a turkey this year.  Unfortunately, the thrill of turkey frying has faded as the practice has become more commonplace.  We are currently researching more extreme methods of turkey preparation.  One suggestion was the turducken (a chicken stuffed in a duck, stuffed in a turkey) -- an interesting choice, but it doesn't carry the thrill and danger that fried turkeys once gave me.   Face it - when we prepare turkeys we are looking for thrills.  If you would like to help, please send your suggestion for the next level of extreme turkey preparation.  Interesting entries will receive an email photo of never-before-seen turkey frying antics!  There are over 18 photos available!  Collect them and trade them just like Pokemon cards!!  We like to call them Fryoturk(TM) cards [short for "Fried in oil turkey"].  The boardgame and full-length motion picture are coming soon!

Q:  Can I use a frying medium other than peanut oil?

A:  Yes.  Any deep-frying medium is acceptable.  I think peanut oil gives a nice flavor.  My cajun turkey-frying colleagues, however, insist that the only true frying medium is lard.

Q:  Its been three years since your vitriolic Thanksgiving-day tirade against Martha Stewart and her apron-wielding corporate death machine.  Have your feelings toward her changed over the years?

A:  NO.  Hell no.  I always have been disgusted by her, always will be.  As evidence of my continued resistance to the Evil Martha Empire, witness my commentary on The Unbearable Lightness of Being Martha.  Make no mistake, my seething disgust for Martha Stewart grows daily just like sunflower seedlings growing from a nifty plaid-wrapped mason jar in the bathroom window.   Disgust - its a good thing.

Q:  Why can't I find any advertising on your pages?

A:  Because I despise the commercialization of the web.  And, because I'm waiting for a large monetary offer from some web-corp that wants to buy me out.  Until that happens, if you enjoy these pages consider donating some food, time, or money to provide a Thanksgiving meal for someone less fortunate than us.

Q:  Who is your pick in the Thanksgiving day Miami Dolphins - Dallas Cowboys game?

A:  I'm torn on this one.  I live in Miami, but genetically I am half Texan.  I like Miami (the team) but loathe Miami (the city).  On the other hand, I love Texas (the state) and I am a die-hard Cowboys fan but the Cowboys really have been upsetting me lately.  In the end, blood is thicker than geography, so I am rooting for Dallas.

Q:  Do you ever devote your web-authoring efforts to socially-redeeming pursuits, or do you just squander time and bandwidth on this nonsense?

A:  Well, yes I do make better use of my web-development time, but reluctantly so.  Most of my web development is devoted to classroom instruction and disseminating information about our research.

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Acorns of Wisdom

As the years passed and the notches in my turkey-frying stick multiplied, I have gained some wisdom that I would like to pass along to the turkey-frying community before I retire. Back to top

Fried Turkey Karma

Some readers of the fried turkey page suggested that making such a spectacle out of cooking a slaughtered fowl would curse me and anyone who participated.  Apparently, some people believe that if you are party to a turkey frying, bad things will happen to you and good things won't happen to you.  At this time, such a prediction seems incorrect.  As a perennial scientist, I offer the following evidence.
 
Category
Number of Eligible Individuals
Present at Turkey Fryings(1996-1999)
Number of Occurrences
High-school graduation 1 1
Marriages 12 (couples) 4
Divorces 8 (couples) 0
Ruptured appendix 32 0
Vacation in New Mexico 32 2
Alma mater Football team ranked in AP top ten. 6 5
Alma mater Basketball team ranked in AP  top-ten 4 3

As you can see, the evidence clearly suggests that turkey-frying actually prevents bad things and increases the probability of good things.

Keep checking back.

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