Fried Turkey 1999: A Sophisitcated Affair

(As a side note:  Running the snake down through the roof vent is much cleaner and easier than dismantling your indoor plumbing to run the snake down the sewer line.  Do remember, however, to withdraw the snake slowly to avoid flinging chunks of drain sludge into your eyes.)
 

We were expecting a crowd of about 15 family members.  We planned to fry two turkeys and impress my in-laws.  Our neighbor, Ernie, helped us to obtain 50 pounds of industrial deep-frying compound.  Ernie manages a Long John Silver's restaraunt here in Miami.  If you aren't familiar with Long John Silver's, let me just say this much:  They fry EVERYTHING at Long John Silver's.  I'm sure that research teams have devoted years of effort and millions of dollars to perfecting their frying shortening..

Notice the pristine white color of our frying medium.  Digital imaging cannot capture the fact that this stuff is a blinding white.  Some of the children suffered retina damage from sunlight reflected off this stuff.

Two turkeys were seasoned as follows:
 

Ingredients: 2 T. ground bay leaves 2 T. ground thyme 3 T. Konriko Cajun seasoning 1 T. black pepper

For best flavor, purchase / grow whole bay leaves and thyme leaves, then grind them in a blender or spice grinder.  Mix all ingredients in a small bowl.  Wash turkey then dry inside and outside with towel.  Rub seasoning mixture inside cavity, over the skin, and under the breast skin.  Truss the bird and refrigerate for 6 - 24 hours.

Just after sundown on December 24, we followed the procedures outlined in our new "Fried Turkeys: Standard Operating Procedure Manual"

1. Place frying compound in pot
2. Place pot on burner
3. Light burner
4. Turn burner to "High"
5. Extinguish any clothing that is ablaze
6. Place thermometer in pot
7. Wait for oil to reach 360 degrees
8. Drop in the bird!
9. Treat any resulting grease burns.
10. Calculate frying time (3 minutes per pound)
11. Add frying time to current clock time to calculate removal time
12. During frying, adjust burner as necessary to maintain 360 degree temperature
13. Forget removal time calculated in #11 above
14. Consult your ten-year old cousin who had the good sense to set a kitchen timer when you dropped the bird in
15. Remove the bird
16. Drain over the pot for as long as possible
17. Allow the bird to rest / drain for 15 minutes on kitchen towels
18. Carve and enjoy

	Dropping the bird.  Notice our blatant disregard for safety protocol.
No words are necessary here.
Like any good scientist, we cross-check our instruments and take multiple readings.
	Ahhh, thunderous roar of a 135,000 BTU propane burner in RealAudio (22k) or .WAV format (232k).
	Even more satisfying is the tantalizing gurgle of poultry frying in three gallons of vegetable shortening in RealAudio (33k) or .WAV format (241k).

The turkeys?  They were delicious.  No major property damage or serious injury, just a lot of cleaning up to take care of.  We can, however, draw a few useful conclusions from this year's efforts.

• Stick with peanut oil or (gulp) lard.  The industrial vegetable shortening becomes difficult to remove from the pot once it solidifies.   Moreover, peanut oil does give a better flavor.
• We really do need to develop a more daring way of getting the turkey into the boiling oil.  The thrill is fading and we are in need of a new challenge to jump-start our enthusiasm.
• It is clearly time to begin providing full-motion video in these web pages.  Maybe next year.
• For more frying thrills, see our soon to be released "Fried Turkeys Across America" page.