Fried Turkey 1999: A Sophisitcated Affair

My wife, Rebbecca, and I bought a house in August 1998.  Due to interference by aliens, we did not fry a turkey here in 1998 (we took the show on the road and fried a turkey in Jacksonville).  The inaugural turkey-fry for this house came on Chirstmas eve, 1999.  In a harrowing flashback to Thanksgiving 1996, the kitchen sink clogged early in the day.   Based on my observation of the technique used by the plumber to clear our 1996 sink clog, I ventured to the roof with a 50-foot drain auger (snake).  Four hours later and covered with sewer sludge, I cleared the drain, thus saving $150.00 and learning that it will be best to just pay the damn $150.00 next time.

(As a side note:  Running the snake down through the roof vent is much cleaner and easier than dismantling your indoor plumbing to run the snake down the sewer line.  Do remember, however, to withdraw the snake slowly to avoid flinging chunks of drain sludge into your eyes.)
 
We were expecting a crowd of about 15 family members.  We planned to fry two turkeys and impress my in-laws.  Our neighbor, Ernie, helped us to obtain 50 pounds of industrial deep-frying compound.  Ernie manages a Long John Silver's restaraunt here in Miami.  If you aren't familiar with Long John Silver's, let me just say this much:  They fry EVERYTHING at Long John Silver's.  I'm sure that research teams have devoted years of effort and millions of dollars to perfecting their frying shortening..
Notice the pristine white color of our frying medium.  Digital imaging cannot capture the fact that this stuff is a blinding white.  Some of the children suffered retina damage from sunlight reflected off this stuff.

Two turkeys were seasoned as follows:
 
Ingredients:
  • 2 T. ground bay leaves
  • 2 T. ground thyme
  • 3 T. Konriko Cajun seasoning
  • 1 T. black pepper
For best flavor, purchase / grow whole bay leaves and thyme leaves, then grind them in a blender or spice grinder.  Mix all ingredients in a small bowl.  Wash turkey then dry inside and outside with towel.  Rub seasoning mixture inside cavity, over the skin, and under the breast skin.  Truss the bird and refrigerate for 6 - 24 hours.

Just after sundown on December 24, we followed the procedures outlined in our new "Fried Turkeys: Standard Operating Procedure Manual"

  1. Place frying compound in pot
  2. Place pot on burner
  3. Light burner
  4. Turn burner to "High"
  5. Extinguish any clothing that is ablaze
  6. Place thermometer in pot
  7. Wait for oil to reach 360 degrees
  8. Drop in the bird!
  9. Treat any resulting grease burns.
  10. Calculate frying time (3 minutes per pound)
  11. Add frying time to current clock time to calculate removal time
  12. During frying, adjust burner as necessary to maintain 360 degree temperature
  13. Forget removal time calculated in #11 above
  14. Consult your ten-year old cousin who had the good sense to set a kitchen timer when you dropped the bird in
  15. Remove the bird
  16. Drain over the pot for as long as possible
  17. Allow the bird to rest / drain for 15 minutes on kitchen towels
  18. Carve and enjoy
Of course, text alone is not nearly as good as pictures.  And, pictures alone are not nearly as good as pictures with sound.  Enjoy this multimedia tour of our frying experience.
 
 
Dropping the bird.  Notice our blatant disregard for safety protocol.
No words are necessary here.
Like any good scientist, we cross-check our instruments and take multiple readings.
Ahhh, thunderous roar of a 135,000 BTU propane burner in RealAudio (22k) or .WAV format (232k).
Even more satisfying is the tantalizing gurgle of poultry frying in three gallons of vegetable shortening in RealAudio (33k) or .WAV format (241k).

The turkeys?  They were delicious.  No major property damage or serious injury, just a lot of cleaning up to take care of.  We can, however, draw a few useful conclusions from this year's efforts.

What will happen in the YEAR 2000?  At this time, we are beginning our work to ensure that our frying equipment is Y2K compliant and will soon provide you with the information you need to check your frying equipment for Y2K compliance.  Keep checking back.